Every Scandi sperm is sacred — and guess who has Viking DNA?

Anyone looking for a donor wants the Nordic stuff. Luckily, my genes are northern, says Simon Mills

Simon Mills and Erling Haaland
Simon Mills and Erling Haaland
The Times

I, north man. All Erling Haaland 6ft 1in of me, lantern-jawed, complexion pale, blotchy and brine-stung, hair the tone and texture of storm-bruised seagrass, loins ripe with butch, Nordic seed (maybe), is finally having his Valhalla moment.

“Viking”, you see, is the aspirational ideal of the year for males, and “Viking baby” the buzz request across Europe’s sperm banks. The Danes, it seems, are more fecund and proficiently onanistic than the Brits, and Scandi semen is clearly more attractive than domestic stock. Back in 2016 the UK’s National Sperm Bank, in Birmingham, had to close down having recruited a reported seven donors. Seven! Over at the European Sperm Bank in Copenhagen, meanwhile, BVE (Big Viking Energy) business has been booming, British women being its best